7
22 Feb 12 at 8 pm
tags: thoughts  writings 

When you feel like there’s nothing there
And all that’s left is cold stale air
Just your breaths
Never more
Always awake at half passed four

And when you go running back to what you know
But all of your words are just left in the cold
Written and read, everything you meant
So many letters you’ve never sent
Just your words
Never more
Always awake at half passed four

Ears are ringing like bells of regret
Reminders of everything you cannot forget
As conversations build inside of your head
All of the things you wish you had said
Just your thoughts
Never more
Always awake at half passed four

Then your heart, it starts to bleed
And suddenly you realize, it’s what you need
Just your love
Never more

Always awake
At half passed four 

There’s a house in the field 
Where rows of flowers grow
And when the wounds were healed
Back to it I’d go

It’s empty inside
This house is not a home
Stains on the carpet from where I’ve cried
The saddest me I’ve ever known

Footsteps on the stairs
Where you’d carry me to bed
Replaced with old nightmares
Of us inside my head

I think it’s time now
For me to finally leave
Somewhere, somehow
I taught myself to believe

That one day
This would all be ours
But the blue turned to grey 
And walls to metal bars

As I step out the door
I think, God I’ll miss this place 
From the cracks in the floor
To the smile on your face

I have to admit
That it was such a shame 
To stand there and watch it
Go up in flames 

burn her down and hold her under
frozen in time in a state of wonder
bolt of lighting or a crack of thunder
she was a dreidel and you took it

and spun her

 7
11 Dec 11 at 9 pm
tags: writings  thoughts 

With my head against your chest, everything is fine
It’s like when the rain hits the earth for the first time
Fingertips hold all that lies
The things I cannot speak with my eyes 
Cracks in my bones where your breath seeps in
Chills down my spine
Bumps on my skin
I’m smiling as I’m crying 
I’m living while I’m dying
Contradictions and contractions of lungs trapped within
But once I breathe you out
I breathe you right back in 
Broken and bruised but somehow it still beats
The heart on my sleeve got lost in your sheets
Out of sight, out of mind
Two bare bodies intertwined 
Scars hold the tales told only by us 
Like stories on paper burned into dust
Walking barefoot over shards of broken glass
Thinking to myself that this too shall pass 
Holding my breath until my body goes numb
I want out of my skin,
And into a new one 

Caffeine rushes to my head
Chemical imbalances 
I lack what you shed
There’s pieces of me
Everywhere I go
That must be why
I don’t feel whole
I’m always tired
I always forget
I fall asleep at sunrise
And wake up at sunset
Living backwards
Stuck in reverse
Dinner at midnight..
Excuse me, nurse?
I don’t feel right
I think I’m ill
Is there something I can take for this?
Some sort of pill? 
“Lay down and relax
Take a deep breathe
This won’t hurt a bit
You just need some rest”
My body goes numb
My pulse slows
Who are these people?
Where are my clothes?
“She’s ready for you Doctor”
And they give me my dose
My eyes close..
And I’m comatose 
It feels so strange
Like I’ve been here before
I try to stand up
And I fall to the floor
A hand reaches out  
And helps me to my feet 
I look around
Everything is concrete
Who are you?
Where am I?
I’m so scared
I begin to cry
“It’s okay
You know who I am
Don’t be afraid 
Just take my hand”
I’ve known her voice
I’ve known face
I’ve known every single thing
About this place
Get me out of here!
I want to go!
“You’re here for a reason,
Don’t you know?
Once you arrive 
There’s no leaving
So take a seat
And start your grieving”
There’s no way I’m staying
I can’t take anymore
Please just tell me
Which way is the door?
“Here’s a box of keys
It’s locked so good luck”
Goddamn it, Jenna… 
Why won’t you wake up?

 3
02 Dec 11 at 4 pm
tags: thoughts  writings 

This life is getting the best of me
Fateful and fatal,
It’s gunna be the death of me
What happened to being young and carefree
Innocent and naïve
Where has everything gone?
Everything we ever believed..
Society killed the teenager,
While we stood and watched her die
You can’t even blame her
For wanting to get high
Escape and run
Far, far away
A place where he’ll whisper 
“I want you to stay”
A field of flowers
Taller than she
Where she’s as happy
As she could ever be
The winds blow from each direction
As the air tickles her throat..
She picked up a pen
And murder she wrote
I’m staying here
With no plans of returning
I’ve already lit the match
And the bridge has started burning 
I killed whatever 
Was standing in the way
Of my tomorrow
And my yesterday
I’m gone for good
Here I can rest
Even though without me,
You’ll be miserable at best.

If this life has taught me anything, it’s to learn from each mistake. Learn from your heart.. every beat and every ache. When you’re cold, find warmth in anything you do. There’s a light but you must look for it and follow through. Once you find it, don’t let it fade. It will help you in times when you feel so afraid. Breathe in love until it fills up your lungs and remember that your life has just begun. Everyday you are older than before, but the morning sun makes us all feel reborn. When you’re feeling under the weather, don’t forget that things get better. And if you feel, that times getting thin.. take a deep breath, pause and begin. Do what makes you happy and do what you love.. this way you avoid any would of, could of, should of. If you don’t like something, you should try and change it. I know this life is weird, it’s strange ain’t it? You meet a boy and give him your heart, and then comes a day when he tears it apart. You feel shattered and lost, like you know nothing at all. Everything’s repetitive, the same four walls. Or perhaps you’ve never, loved before. You’ve always been too scared to open that door. Well listen when I say, it’s worth a shot. To give someone, everything you’ve got. It’s the best feeling in the entire world, to let someone see you completely unfurled. If you’re lonely, it’ll all be okay. Save your sorrows for a rainy day. Let your tears fall with the rain.. I’ll be there to try and ease the pain. Remember you are lovely, remember you are kind. Think of me and you’ll be just fine. You are beautiful, whether they said so or they didn’t. Even if they never say it, don’t let them tell you any different. Laughter is proven to be good for your health. So smile a bit bigger, and be gentle to yourself. Don’t let anyone, tell you what you need. Never listen to society, they’re such a crazy breed. I bet you know more than you think you know.. expand your mind! Get up and go! Learn from your surroundings, learn from the sky. And if you don’t understand, always ask “why?” You’re here for a reason, don’t ever forget. It’s okay to bleed.. it’s okay to sweat. If you want something, go and get it. Nothing’s out of reach, you just can’t quit at it. Tell her you love her, tell her you care. Remind her to never forget that you’ll always be there. But keep your promises, because she’ll believe you. And if she says that she’s alright, don’t let her deceive you. Trust your instincts, admit your faults. Don’t let them give you sugar if you prefer salt. Life is sweet, but sometimes it gets bitter. Sometimes we just want a designated hitter. We get tired, we get sore.. we get to the point where we can’t take any more. But you get back up, and get in the game. But what happens when the rules get changed? A change in the lineup, a players gone. The reaper came, and took his son. To love and lose is the hardest thing of all, but when they’re gone for good.. well, this isn’t baseball. I can’t tell you how to play, or when the pitch is coming. I can’t tell you when to steal and when you should start running. Grieving is normal, but who is to say.. what is normal anyway? Do what you feel, do what you think.. even if it means not sleeping a wink. You can’t blame yourself, for something out of your control. I’m sorry for your loss, God bless his soul. Sometimes we get lost, looking at the stars. You might know your name but you have no idea who you are. No need to panic, it’s only a matter of time.. before you find yourself and I run out of rhymes. I know I’ve said a lot, and I could say so much more. But my head is pounding a lot louder than before. I guess I’ll be going now, on that note.. so I’ll leave you with this, the longest thing I ever wrote.

 10
28 Nov 11 at 5 pm
tags: thoughts  writings 

I remember when you told me that you hated your scar. You said it was ugly and I told you it made you who you are. I said I loved it and I asked if I could touch it. You said that was the nicest thing anyones ever said, then you grabbed my face and kissed my head. All I asked was for you to come and stay.. I don’t live very far away. I’ll tell you exactly where to go, you won’t get lost and there isn’t any snow. I know you haven’t been here before but it’s the house with the big red door. Across the street there is a church, I’ll stand on the porch so you won’t have to search. I looked out my window and I swear I seen your white car. I guess you could say old habits die hard. My heart skipped a beat as I heard feet, walking towards my bedroom door. I heard a knock and felt my chest hit the floor. But of course, it wasn’t you.. what was I even thinking? I started to cry.. must of been drinking. People try to help me but no criticism is ever constructive. I swear you’re just like lightning.. so beautiful but so destructive. Driving me crazy, out of my mind. I know I’ve said this a billion times. But you’ve got me hanging by a rope. Please just cut it and let me go. Just when you think I’m gone for good you say something to bring me back. I’m fine under the surface, I’m used to shades of black. To be set free is my only wish. You’ve drowned the bird and she became a fish. I swim against the current, I go the wrong way. I’m still stuck in April when everyone’s back in May. The month of flowers is when we began to die. It’s like we planned this for our goodbye. Plenty to choose from so take your pick. Let’s get this over with and make it quick. I could see it coming, I tried to be brave.. the flowers weren’t for me, you threw them on our grave. Though I do still have one you gave me, it’s he last thing I have to remind me of us.. I guess that’s why I like them so much. 

 4
25 Nov 11 at 12 am
tags: thoughts  writings 

The silence screams and my ears start ringing 
Lack of control and the room starts spinning
A wall of falseness where your face should be
A built up thunder inside of me
Breezes flow through empty spaces
Infected and injected my heart it races
I think in circles and it doesn’t get me anywhere
You and I walk a line that’s as thin as air
Trapped inside what seems to be a cell 
I wear the cold sweats all too well
Today I asked if I was losing my mind
If my head was cut open what would I find?
Memories, thoughts,
A photograph or two
Pieces of me but a whole lot of you
Stray cats say they claim to know me
They say I’m just a one trick pony
“She runs away with the cold wind blowing,
But I don’t think she knows quite where she’s going”
I have the tendency to make wrong turns
I don’t know which bridges to cross and what ones to burn
Sometimes I catch myself talking to the moon
The last thing he told me,
Was to get well soon

 6
23 Nov 11 at 12 am
tags: thoughts  writings 

Your name and your eyes both a shade of green
You make me notice that often left unseen 
My head is a disease without any cure
Inside this cave of mine there’s room for one more
Come, take a seat and tell me how you’ve been
Let’s count all of the freckles on each others skin
A broken wind and a state of mind
The rain in my eyes has got me colourblind
Trouble seeing my blues and greys
The sky is no different
Nights and days 
I wake up shivering more than ever
Loneliness is always the coldest weather
Winter is soon
This I know..
The glisten of ice
The flakes of snow 
The dirt roads are covered
No longer brown
It’s hard to tell the air from the ground
All is one in wintertime
A big ball of white
Element developments 
The wind starts to bite
Water hardens and fire’s hard to find
No grass for miles 
Mother’s out of her mind 
Everything’s changed when the snow starts to fall
A springlike summer 
But autumns loveliest of them all
Where do all the leaves go
When the colours fade?
I found them in your bones
Living in your shoulder blades
Wings are planted in all of us 
We just have to let them grow 
But it’s hard to get high
When you’ve been feeling so low
We’ll fly one day I swear we will
And you know exactly where I’ll be..
I’ll wait for you
On top of the hill 

 6
22 Nov 11 at 10 pm
tags: writings  for tiana 

I try to open my window
But it seems to be stuck
I thought I saw you waiting there
In your old blue pickup truck
The light hit my eye but you were left blinded
I don’t know if I’d rather fast forward
Or try to rewind it
Back to the days
When I could call you mine
I’m either losing my mind
Or finding it for the first time
I miss your hands
Your spine
Your neck
There’s no comedy in tragedy 
Nor beauty in the wreck 
My bones are cold and my bed is empty 
My sheets still smell of you and me 
When I run it takes me to the same old place
But when I look beside me 
I don’t see your face
And I can’t recognize my own
Everything has changed
Taken apart 
Put together
Misaligned 
Rearranged 
My insides come out through the hole in my heart
It’s been like this right from the start
Of the end
(Which I don’t believe to be so)
You’ll be back..
It’s just one of those things
When you know, you know 

 8
22 Nov 11 at 12 am
tags: thoughts  writings 

The girl who’s always tired
But yet I never sleep
The night has already dealt its cards
So read ‘em and weep
Lying in the dark
All I see is black
Counting crack,
after crack 
after crack..
Early morning hours
The sunshine creeps in
Uninvited
Like memories of him
Strike a match
Sew a stitch..
Make your bed
Scratch that itch
Left foot
Right foot 
Pause and repeat
I can’t even seem
To control my own feet
My eyes are open
But my body finds its slumber
And in my head
Is a telephone number
I want to hear your voice
Pick up the phone..
“Please leave a message after the tone”
‘Hey it’s me,
Could you call me back?’
You can hear it in my voice
Crack,
after crack
after crack..

 3
20 Nov 11 at 9 pm
tags: thoughts  writings 

It’s dark and it’s silent
The day has come and went
It’s haunting
It’s daunting 
So cold that I’m numb
Took me by surprise when I heard them say
That I am the phantom.
It taunts me
They want me
Where do I run?
I don’t mean to hurt,
I like having fun
They see me floating
They stop and they stare
I feel like I’m real 
But I’m not really there
I see things strangely 
Like through a tv screen
Come and join me 
I’ll show you what I mean..
I get bored easily
No one to stimulate my mind
But when I change the channel
I lose more than I find
Ghosts have no bones
Nor do they have a heart
They’re trying to tell me,
I don’t have a single body part
But if I see with my eyes
And breathe with my nose
Why can’t I feel my fingers?
Or walk on my toes?
I’m disappearing..
Fading fast
Trying to outrun
The train of the past
See me come,
Watch me go
Where I’ll be by morning
I never really know
You love and then you leave
It’s a simple rule of thumb
Just about the same,
Like a shotgun needs an outcome.

 1
14 Nov 11 at 4 pm
tags: thoughts  writings 

I want to rush this slowly 
My minds in pain and words are good as blood
Hit by a car..
Dragging through the mud
I still hang on
Though clearly it hurts
Through all the rain
Rocks
Piles of dirt..
My ribs are broken
No shield for the heart
But thanks for the tragedy 
I need it for my art
I now lack protection 
Like a father to his daughter
I bleed more than blood
My tears are more than water 
Strip me down
See what lies
Underneath
Someone lost
Something’s off..
A missing piece 
Must of misplaced it
Somewhere out there
Where were you
When I was scared?
A flashing light
A strike of lightning 
Left us none the wiser
Imagine how I felt,
When I noticed that you were the driver

I don’t mean to be a bother
But excuse me miss,
Did you ever think
That everything would turn out like this?
Do you blame yourself
For what you started?
He died inside
Left broken hearted
You bit the fruit that was forbidden
No one knows what you know
You’re good at keeping it hidden
Does it hurt at night?
When your lying on your back
Numb to what was done
Did you plan your attack?
And did it taste as good as you thought?
Do you think that it was worth it?
If you could,
Would you go back and reverse it?
Were you sorry?
Did you cry?
You don’t have any answers 
And I’m wondering why
Confession  
Followed by silence
No words..
He killed you with suspense 
You wanted out but he didn’t
Another thing you kept well hidden..
Since that November  
The days got colder
Winter was longer and we all got older
No one noticed
The day you died
You might of felt it 
Somewhere inside
“Two can play at that game”
It was a train you’ve both ridden
You weren’t the only one
Who kept things hidden
Betrayal 
But in a different form
A mix of lies and rain created quite the storm  
No one will ever understand
Why you did what you did
You don’t even know why
So you keep it hid
Deep in a nook in a corner of your mind
So far back that no one will ever find.